don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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