woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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