i think my tv is drunk
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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