Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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