I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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