I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
