My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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