No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
