Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
