There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
