I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
