I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
