Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
