Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
