but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
