I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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