My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
