im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
