I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
