You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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