she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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