at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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