I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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