I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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