By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
