He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
