I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
