Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
