this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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