During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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