My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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