I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
