if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
