Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
