found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
