and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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