I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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