Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks