just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
