I need to stop coming to work sober
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
