I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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