Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
