the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
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