So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
