Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
