I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
