bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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