there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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