i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
