The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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