Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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