I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
