she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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