I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I touched a dick in church today
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
