he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
