FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
